Those of us in the DOC have been dealing with the recent loss of six PWDs (people with diabetes) around the world for the last few weeks. Six people whose lives were cut short by D. There have been some beautiful, and quite moving, posts about it by Kelly, Scott, Lindsey, and Lexi.
But the one that really got me was Scott's follow-up post, Chillingly Familiar Graphs. You should read it, really. Because it deals with the one thing that scares the living daylight out of me.
When someone asks me what my greatest fear is, that's what I tell them--night time lows. And I'm not exaggerating. Just thinking about it makes me break out in a cold sweat, so I try to to really ever think about it.
But after reading Scott's post, how could I not think about it? Lows during the night happen to all T1s. And usually we wake-up and we're fine.
But sometimes we don't wake up. I myself have had three occasions where I did not wake up.
When I was 12, I had three low-induced seizures in the middle of the night. Two were at home, and the third was at an overnight camping trip with a church group. Paramedics were called for the two I had at home. Somehow, someway, my parents woke up when I could not.
And the one at camp succeeded in traumatizing my Sunday school leaders (good family friends whom I adore). I was in a cabin full of girls, so someone must have woken up and gotten the grown-ups.
I don't really remember much about any of them. The one thing I do remember about all three--throwing up afterwards! Did I mention I HATE vomit?
The seizures were quite traumatic for my parents too. They remember it. I don't. As I've mentioned before, aftter the seizures, my mom woke me up every night at 2-3 am to check my blood sugar. Check, eat, back to bed. All to prevent another seizure.
My pediatric endo determined that my long-acting insulin was peaking in the middle of the night and causing me to drop like a rock. Remember NPH and Ultra-Lente? Anyone?
This led to me getting an insulin pump less than one month after I turned 14. They didn't stick pumps on kids back then like they do now. Pumps just weren't as common overall. But my parents and my endo fought the insurance company tooth and nail to get that pump for me. It was epic.
So it's not an exaggeration to say that my pump saved my life, not to mention my sanity (and my mom's). Not that I don't still have lows at night. Because I do.
And that's what scares me. I may not remember the seizures, but I know they have affected me. Because there's few things I can think of that scare me more than the thought of having another seizure...or worse...
It's not like I think about it all the time, but all it takes is a night time low here and there to send my mind reeling. Since I've gotten the CGM, I do feel a little better about it. My CGM has woken me up for a few lows already, so it provides a certain level of security.
But still. I'm trying to retrain myself not to be nervous about a bedtime bg of under 150 if I'm holding steady. The fear is always there, buried in my subconscious, lurking.
What's your greatest fear?