So I spent a good bit of time dithering last night on whether or not I wanted to post about this.
This is not something I like to admit. Or discuss. Or really think about.
I've talked before about my battles with, as Kerri would say, wicked burnout. I know I'm not the only one who struggles with this. We all do.
I was doing ok. Yes, my D care is far from perfect, but I feel like I've been making progress.
Until a couple nights ago.
It snuck up on me. I never saw it coming. Then WHAM, out of nowhere, burnout. Slapped me upside the head and has been kicking my butt the last couple days. I quick look at my CGM graph shows how little I evidently care.
I have spent most of the last 48-hours above 200. And it's not my infusion set, or my insulin, or hormones, or any of that. It's my fault. There is nothing else to blame.
My old habits are rearing their ugly heads. Two nights ago found me staying up way too late, sitting by myself on the couch, totally pigging out. Here I go again.
Before I found the DOC, food was my coping mechanism of choice. This is not a good thing when you have diabetes. Sigh.
I thought I'd conquered this demon. I thought I was done with all of this. Apparently not. Because that night, my CGM finally woke me up at 4am with a bg of 408.
408? Seriously, Jess? What the fructose is going on here? Get it together!!!!
Yesterday didn't involve any 400s, but plenty of 200s and 300s.
I really didn't want to talk about any of this. Because I am ashamed.
But I decided that being honest was more important. Reading about the things other people struggle with helps me tremendously. So I figured that maybe sharing this might be able to help someone else.
I still don't like talking about it. And my endo appointment is in about three weeks, so I definitely need to get my act together! I've been working really hard to get my A1c down, and I don't want to blow it now!
I am scared. I never want to go back to that place where I was before the DOC. Today, I am picking myself up off the floor, and am going to try it again. I know I have my family and friends and all of you cheering me on.
I can beat this burnout. Things are different now. I have more support. And the apathy isn't there. I'm ashamed, and I'm scared, and I know this is a good thing because it means I actually give a crap. I care.
I'm planning out my meals tomorrow, and I'm going to stick to it. And I'm going to the gym after work. The burnout and emotional eating is NOT going to get the best of me. You can do it, Jess!!!