Monday, March 7, 2011

Just Do the Next Thing

I love the Diabetes Online Community (DOC)!  Words cannot express how much you all have inspired and helped me since I found you a few months ago.  You.  Are.  Wonderful.

I love chatting with people on Twitter and reading other D-blogs (please check out the list to the right).  As I've blogged about before, I've been trying to work my way through some wicked burnout.  Some days are good, some days not so much.

On days when my bgs behave (like my no-hitter), it feels like I'm making progress.  On days like yesterday when I'm stuck on the glucoaster, it feels like I'm going nowhere at all.

Right now, I'm feeling stuck.  I know I've made progress.  I know my next A1C is going to be lower, at least by a bit.  At the same time though, it feels like I have so far to go.

Before I found the DOC, my averages were terrible.  I was running in the upper 200s and 300s ALL THE TIME.  Most of this was due to my emotional eating.  I've struggled with that for a long time.  I'm still struggling with it.  If I'm stressed or upset, I eat junk, SWAG bolus, and wind up stuck high for hours and hours.

I did it to myself yesterday.  A bad bg day made even worse by my decision to pig out on peanut m&m's.  My CGM graph was not pretty.  And then the guilt sets in.  I'm a terrible diabetic, why did I do that to myself, etc...

Today's going better.  So far, I've resisted the giant bowl of candy at work.  So why do I still feel like I'm failing?

I read about other people who have their CGM high alarms set at 180, or even 160.  Seriously?  Mine's at 200.  I can't even imagine setting it at 160.  That's a pretty darn good 2-3 hour post meal bg for me.  On my no-hitter day, I went into the 170s, but I still counted it as a no hitter because I didn't trip my high alarm.  It still counts, right?

And A1C's in the 5s and 6s?  Yikes!  I'm just trying to get in the lower 7s right now.  I can't even imagine having an A1C that low.  That's incredible to me.

I'm just venting here.  This is not meant to make anyone feel badly.  I DO want to know about my friends' successes and celebrate with all of you! I mean that!  Please don't stop sharing them with me!

Sometimes, I just feel like I'll never get there myself.  Like I'm doomed to fail.  Now, I know that's not true.  My last A1C had come down a little.  Overall, I'm eating healthier.  Though I'm still struggling with emotional eating, it's not as bad as it was.  I've lost ten pounds in focusing on eating to try to keep bgs in check (mostly).  I'm not seeing 300 very often.

All of these things are huge successes for me.  But today, for some reason, it doesn't feel like enough.  I still have moments of burnout; moments where I feel like giving up and craming everything in sight into my mouth.

On days like this, my mom always tells me to just do the next thing.  Just take that next blood sugar.  Just give that one correction.  Just treat that one low.  Just count the carbs in this one meal.

So just do the next thing, Jess.  True, I've got a ways to go, but look how far I've already come.  That can be tough to rememeber.

11 comments:

  1. I see so much of myself in what you've written here.

    I've been in that mindset, too - admittedly a little jealous of how low other people could get their A1C. And a high alarm of 160? That's for superheroes.

    What I found to work for me is exactly what you've mentioned here - one step at a time. It took me a full year to see my A1C go from a 8's to 6's, and it was all baby steps getting there. I spent years in the 8's - YEARS! I never thought something starting with 6, much less with 5 would ever be possible for me. But it was, with a lot of hard work - and I know it can be for you, too.

    We're all here for you! :)

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  2. Remember, each person has their own journey with Diabetes.

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  3. Same here, Jess. So completely. I marvel at those same lower upper bounderies and A1cs, as I get excited any day I don't hit 200 (few of them, sadly). I've hit the 6.1 level before way back when I started pumping, but in the past 10 years have been pretty much in the 9s or 8s until last year when I got into the 7s. Now, I'm at 7.5 and trying to get down to 7.0. We are each on our journey, but sharing in each other's joys and commiserating together, and you're absolutely correct in saying that it's one step at a time. Baby Steps! You'll do it as you're able on your own time, and I can't wait to see it happen! Good luck, Jess!

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  4. I think it is great advice to just do the next thing. It's so hard to get consumed with the big picture of A1C's, weight, and all the other data points, and lose sight of the fact that it is the little things combined that really make the difference. Without the little things, the big things just don't mean as much.

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  5. I know I have been right where you are as well.

    Try not to use the numbers to define everything. We are more then a sum of out BG, A1C and carbs - although we all doubt it!!

    Thanks for sharing!

    Jason

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  6. Sweet One - you do a remarkable job of 'doing the next thing' - and have, all along. I'm very proud of you and the way you manage things - doing the next thing is what we've done for years together. You are a continued blessing to me and I marvel at your ability to cope. You are always in my prayers...

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  7. You are absolutely not failing!!!! Don't ever feel like you need to compare or measure up to anyone else. Just improve on your own terms, each day doing a little better than the day before. And that is HUGE!!!! A no-hitter is fabulous. An A1C that is lower than the last one is awesome. And you lost 10 pounds?? You rock! I can not seem to make my scale budge . . . . so now I'm jealous of YOU!!!

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  8. Youre not a failure at all! Stop that! I agree with Karen, never compare youreself to anyone, not just in D in life.. (can you remind me of that too? lol)

    and I love chatting with you via twitter too! xoxo

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  9. Ah...I hate seeing those lower alarm limits on Dexter too...I feel sooo inadequate...and with all the "pretty pix" of the flat-lining through the friggin' day while eating CARBS - *gasp*!!! I too love seeing the successes and try to learn from them. I do beat myself up now and again when things aren't going well for Joe in the "d" department.

    Chin up Jess!

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  10. Hey Jess
    I love the blissful ignorance of MDI w/o a CGMS...what I don't know I don't want to know, nonetheless I think comparing yourself to someone else and their numbers is harmful.
    You're doing just great nd their numbersand you are just great!

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  11. Hey there! I know what you mean about the burnout. I used to be in tight control and even had my a1c under 6%. Within the last 2 years, I've been losing that control and I've been finding it harder to figure out how to manage it. My a1c is now at 8% and I've been so frustrated because it seems like my body has gotten used to the higher #s. I guess it is all about the little steps we can take though. I actually just wrote a post about how I feel like a failure sometimes. Just so you know, you have a lot of support here w/ the DOC! :)

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