I love the Diabetes Online Community (DOC)! Words cannot express how much you all have inspired and helped me since I found you a few months ago. You. Are. Wonderful.
I love chatting with people on Twitter and reading other D-blogs (please check out the list to the right). As I've blogged about before, I've been trying to work my way through some wicked burnout. Some days are good, some days not so much.
On days when my bgs behave (like my no-hitter), it feels like I'm making progress. On days like yesterday when I'm stuck on the glucoaster, it feels like I'm going nowhere at all.
Right now, I'm feeling stuck. I know I've made progress. I know my next A1C is going to be lower, at least by a bit. At the same time though, it feels like I have so far to go.
Before I found the DOC, my averages were terrible. I was running in the upper 200s and 300s ALL THE TIME. Most of this was due to my emotional eating. I've struggled with that for a long time. I'm still struggling with it. If I'm stressed or upset, I eat junk, SWAG bolus, and wind up stuck high for hours and hours.
I did it to myself yesterday. A bad bg day made even worse by my decision to pig out on peanut m&m's. My CGM graph was not pretty. And then the guilt sets in. I'm a terrible diabetic, why did I do that to myself, etc...
Today's going better. So far, I've resisted the giant bowl of candy at work. So why do I still feel like I'm failing?
I read about other people who have their CGM high alarms set at 180, or even 160. Seriously? Mine's at 200. I can't even imagine setting it at 160. That's a pretty darn good 2-3 hour post meal bg for me. On my no-hitter day, I went into the 170s, but I still counted it as a no hitter because I didn't trip my high alarm. It still counts, right?
And A1C's in the 5s and 6s? Yikes! I'm just trying to get in the lower 7s right now. I can't even imagine having an A1C that low. That's incredible to me.
I'm just venting here. This is not meant to make anyone feel badly. I DO want to know about my friends' successes and celebrate with all of you! I mean that! Please don't stop sharing them with me!
Sometimes, I just feel like I'll never get there myself. Like I'm doomed to fail. Now, I know that's not true. My last A1C had come down a little. Overall, I'm eating healthier. Though I'm still struggling with emotional eating, it's not as bad as it was. I've lost ten pounds in focusing on eating to try to keep bgs in check (mostly). I'm not seeing 300 very often.
All of these things are huge successes for me. But today, for some reason, it doesn't feel like enough. I still have moments of burnout; moments where I feel like giving up and craming everything in sight into my mouth.
On days like this, my mom always tells me to just do the next thing. Just take that next blood sugar. Just give that one correction. Just treat that one low. Just count the carbs in this one meal.
So just do the next thing, Jess. True, I've got a ways to go, but look how far I've already come. That can be tough to rememeber.