Monday, June 27, 2011

I Quit!

Consider this your warning.  This post is not going to be pretty.  It is going to be long, and it is going to be me venting.

I'm not sharing this for sympathy.  I'm sharing because we've all been there.  I'm sharing because insulin is not a cure.  I'm sharing because I was reminded how much we in the DOC need each other, and how important the You Can Do This Project is.

Saturday was the WORST diabetes day I've had in a REALLY long time.  Seriously.

Started out nicely enough.  It was free shower day!  Woohoo!  After the shower, I go put a new CGM sensor in my butt.  It went in fine; I felt no pain.  But as soon as I turned around, I immediately felt like I was going to pass out and throw up.

I sit in the kitchen chair, and call for J.  He comes running, holding me up in the chair in case I do pass out.  Also, I am sweating.  A lot.  Like dripping.  It's gross.  I am simultaneously trying not to vomit and telling myself over and over again, "You will not pass out, you will not pass out..."

I'm also thinking, "Crap, how high am I?"  And of course I took my old set out prior to my free shower.  And never picked up more syringes after I ran out.  Crap.

Eventually, J helps me to the couch.  And brings me my meter.  And we both breathe a huge sigh of relief when this pops up on the screen:

But now I am confused.  What's going on?  I roll over and rip out the sensor.  As the minutes pass, I feel less and less like passing out.  The ringing in my ears subsides, my stomach feels better, and the sweating stops.

I sit up, and J brings me supplies to get a new set in.  And I feel fine.

The consensus is that I hit something when I put the sensor in, maybe a nerve, I don't know.  But that was likely a pain response, even though it didn't hurt.  Crazy, right?

So I go about getting ready, since I'm now feeling like I can go to dinner like we were originally planning, when I notice that my stomach is hurting again.  And it feels like a ketone stomach ache.  Lovely.

I check my bg, and this pops up:

Lovely.  I look at the set, and oh good, I can see blood in it.  Rip it out, and it's a total vampire cannula- full of blood.  Change set again, bolus, and start chugging water.  Guess we're not going to dinner.  Oh, and that set left me with this parting gift:

Ok, about an hour later, and ketones are gone, and bg is

FINALLY, we can go out to dinner!

About an hour later, my CGM starts freaking out.  It's rocketing up, saying 313, double up arrows.  But I put it in only a few hours ago, so it can't be right, can it?

Ok, fine, I QUIT!!!!!  Oh, I wish I could quit for the day.  Let the rage bolus commence.

And then the tears started (thankfully, we were home already).  Lots of tears, full blown ugly cry.  I couldn't take it any more!  I was DONE!  On days like this, I want a cure so badly it hurts!

Bg finally settled down, and I stayed up way too late watching You Can Do This Project videos.  Thanks to everyone who's made one.  I NEEDED them last night.  I needed people to remind me that I can do this.

What really gets me about all of this?  My poor husband.  J was a trooper.  He held me when I thought I was going to pass out.  He wondered whether or not to call 911.  He held me when the ketones made me feel sick again.  He held me while I sobbed.

It was a hellish day for him too.  I can take whatever D throws at me, even if it's a day like Saturday.  But what I hate the most is that it affects J too.  I HATE diabetes for doing this to him.

Sunday, we did nothing.  We were wiped out, both of us.  And as I'm sitting here writing this Sunday night, I'm staring at this:

WHAT THE FRUCTOSE????  Do I need to change my set again?  I know I had mexican for dinner, but seriously?  What the hell?  Guess I'm not going to bed anytime soon.

And I am so grateful to have you, my DOC friends.  Cause I'm not really feeling like I can do this right now.  Maybe I'll watch some more videos while I wait for the rage bolusing to catch up...


  1. oh Jess I'm sorry, this is a crappy D time for you. I hate it too when you do everything right, mexican or not, and diabetes has a different plan. I'm pregnant right now, and deal with numbers low or higher that i have no signs for and no explanation, and I get soo infuriated. Sometimes the pressure is too much, and then I too think about and realize all of these wonderful DOC people have had Diabetes longer than me and they tell me and show me, no matter how hard it gets, or how mad we are, we can do this, and do this together. I don't know if this will help, but I was there with a different number, but for me, i'm terrified of hurting the baby by these stupid blood sugars so I aggressively treat it and wear out a new battery in one day, so what, It's hard hard work, but someone has to take care of me.. and I make it my job the best I can. J is a GREAT man, much like all of our others, rather it be husbands, wives, parents or friends. He loves you regardless and loves that you do all that you can. Keep your head up dear, better numbers have to be on their way... if anything I'll send mine to you!!!:)

  2. Well, that was a sucky weekend.
    I hate that you have/had to deal with this.

  3. Damn girl, what a nightmare! Vent away!

  4. I despise when J has days like that. I hope today and the rest are fabulous and you're feeling better! Heart you! ((((((HUGS))))))) always here to listen when you need to vent.

    Sidenote. J used to have bleeders and kinks every day it seemed like. We switched to steels sets and omg what a difference. Just wanted to throw that out there.

  5. If we balance out your highs with my weird ass lows we will both average about 123 or so.

  6. Awwww Jess. Have you thought about it being your meter? I had some big issues with my Ultralink. I was wondering if maybe the lower readings were inaccurate. Until I had my meter replaced, I would regularly get a much lower reading on my first fingerstick than it should have been.

  7. I feel your issues.
    Last night I had a panic attack and woke up and read this (the beginning part of the post) and thought, holy shit, that sounds like a panic attack!
    Panic attacks make my blood sugar do all sorts of wacky things. Usually it makes my BGs go haywire and skyrocket.

    I'm sorry to read this. I'd quit too! thing is, ... we can't :(

  8. :( I hope you are feeling MUCH better now. I'm glad your husband was there for you. You are so right, it is hard to see the effects D has on our loved ones, it's total "bs", and I don't mean "blood sugar". A giant sympathetic HUG to you Jess. We're here for you!!!!!!

  9. Oh Jess, those days are rough. I hope that those 300s have stopped plagueing you. Know that in knowing you are out there doing it...even on the bad days...helps all of us. Thank you for sharing.

  10. You don't want sympathy, so I won't give you any. You seem smart enough to know WTF is going on, even when you have no clue why. You said "Saturday was the worst diabetes DAY I've had in a really long time." (emphasis changed by me). The good news is that it's just a day (and a hangover in the following day). I hope tomorrow is better for you.

    (I just came here from a link on TuDiabetes... I think I found a new blog to follow!)