Thursday, June 16, 2011

Transition

So yes, I am still alive, in case anyone was wondering!  My summer schedule has been CRAZY!  Fun, but crazy and exhausting.

And I'm finally writing some thoughts down here that I've been processing for a while.  I had kind of a moment of enlightenment, per se, last week.

I was talking with Elisa on Twitter.  We both recently came out of periods where we didn't really take care of our D.  And I asked her how it's been for her to transition from not really taking care of herself to trying to get a handle on D.  And it was a great discussion.

And I've been thinking about that conversation all week.  And I realized that I am transitioning too.  And that I need to be more patient with myself.  As Scott said in his You Can Do This video, it's ok not to be perfect.  I'm trying to remember that.

I've posted about some of this before.  I spent years eating whatever I wanted, with my blood sugar running mostly in the 200s and 300s.  I now realize that I was depressed.

My epiphany was that I am still living in transition.  After I found the DOC back in November, I counted everything I put in my mouth, I exercised religiously, I was excited about taking care of myself.

This only lasted a few months.  Then reality set back in.  It was overwhelming.  Going from not caring at all what the number on the meter said to caring too much.  It was a shock to my system.

I have food issues.  I struggle with emotional eating.  I am doing better, but it's hard!  I wish it was something I could just turn off.  But my food issues aren't going to disappear overnight.  Although I REALLY WISH they would.  I really have trouble when my bg high.  My brain says, "I'm high already, what the hell?  Might as well pig out."  

I am working on my food issues.  It is getting better, slowly but surely.

I'm still trying to figure all of this out.  I can do this.  I am starting to believe that.  But progress, not perfection, needs to be the goal.  I am not perfect.  I am never going to be perfect.  And that's ok.

I can do this.

12 comments:

  1. I think the healthiest thing I ever did was when I truly gave up any dream of ever being skinny. It's made me mentally healthier, and by shifting my focus to small, achievable goals, it's made me physically healthier too.

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  2. Thank you for this. I need to read it and try to understand. In my little-perfect-Reyna world Joe is gonna grow up and take great care of "D" always, all the time, forever. It is good for me to know the reality. I haven't even let my mind start going down this road. But...no one is perfect. I know that. I know he will struggle. I just haven't allowed my mind to go there yet.

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  3. Thanks for writing and sharing this, Jess. I hear you: those transitions can be tough, but it's even more tough when going from the Too Much to WTF train of thought... That happened a couple years ago after my initially diving in full force into the DOC, and it eventually leveled out. But that's where I've been lately again, and aside from all the other storms in life, it's really getting to me. I just don't care and have had a continuing trend for a few weeks (or more?) now where I am fine during the day and then come home and just let it go - no accurate carb counting and BGs in the 400s and 500s by bedtime. Sleep is off, it's crazy. And that just plays so many mental tricks and impacts the rest of life. I'm glad to have the ability to connect with so many awesome people, and that is my savior that gets me through - gets me to a place where I can actually convince myself that, yes, I can. So thank you for being a part of that, and know that you'll be able to get through this too.

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  4. Hey Jess,

    Great Post, We fight on...Onward & Upward..

    Stay Well,

    P...

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  5. I think being a work in progress is, in itself, perfect. Frustrating, challenging, sometimes exhausting, yes. But also worthwhile, courageous, strong. People who aren't progressing, aren't real about life's rich pageant are ... boring. That's one adjective I'll never use for you or my other DOC friends. Hugs!

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  6. That's a strong post, Jess. I've been through the same kind of burnout; stressing about everything D-related, too much data. I finally just decided to focus on what is going on right now. Too high? Too Low? why did that happen? is the question I try to answer.

    I can't change the past, only learn from it. And the future? Well, what I do now affects my immediate future and that's really all I can affect. The long-term future will take care of itself based on what I do now.

    {{HUGS}}

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  7. I've wondered and hoped that you were doing okay. This is an important post, J. I've dealt with food issues my whole life with D, so I hear you and your post resonates with me (I think I've commented that to you before!). If you ever want to chat, or email, or whatever, please DM me. I'd love to talk in person and get to hear your voice in person (not just the wonderful voice that comes through your writing!). No perfection--that's a myth reinforced by medical providers, advertising, media, and even our loved ones. Splendidly imperfect, that's what we are. Peace to you, my friend. You not only *can* do this, but you are doing it. We're here with you.

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  8. i think we all know how you feel. we have all been there, are there, or will be there, at some point in time. i have lived for too long with the "whatever happens, happens" attitude, and am now, after a long hard struggle, starting to get it together. i don't worry about the highs and lows, insofar as they relate to the now. i am easier, and kinder on myself, and i believe that is helping me to become a "better diabetic". i have already been through so much, and i know that there are rough roads ahead, but i will deal with them when that happens. be kind to yourself, and know that you can do it!!

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  9. I love what you said about "progress, not perfection" being the goal. I need to make that my mantra! I feel awful when I don't take care of D, but having it always in my face isn't easy either. Thank goodness we have the DOC to help us through those rough days. You totally can do this!!!

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  10. Thanks for Sharing this Jess, I think many of us are still in the transition period as well. As far as the emotional eating, I can understand it since that's what happens to my mom. Anytime she is stressed she looks for food and its really hard to get out of. I hope with time you are able to shy away from that. Sucks when your diabetic and are an emotional eater because you always have to dose for it. Stay strong. We are here for you.

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  11. Something I love about the DOC is how the thoughts that usually only live inside our heads get thrust out into the open, where they become powerless. Your point about coming to terms with what we have to do, and convincing ourselves that we indeed can do it, is so true. Proud of you for sharing this, and more proud that you're not perfect...because nobody likes a showoff! ;-) Stay awesome!

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