Sunday, August 14, 2011

Broken Things

So I wasn't planning on writing a post today.

I was minding my own business, washing some dishes, and listening to Pandora.  Actually, Josh and I were washing A LOT of dishes, since our dishwasher decided to bite the dust after it had already been loaded.  Sigh.

Then the song Fix You by Coldplay comes up on Pandora.  And I have to stop.

This song always makes me tear up, even under normal circumstances.

But today, I am not feeling normal.

First of all, I am still coping with messy emotions raised by the loss of those two beautiful girls earlier this week.  And yesterday being my diaversary adds more messy emotions.  As does the fact that I have an endo appointment tomorrow.

So when Fix You came on, I stopped, sat down, and cried.  Kind of a lot.  Everything just came bubbling up.  I've been talking a lot to some of my DOC friends this week about how we're feeling.  Why we're grieving so much for two girls we never even met.  And why it brings up those dark thoughts and feelings we try to hard to ignore.

I am trying to be strong.  Talking with my parents yesterday about my diagnosis, seizures, and just coping with this disease for so long had my brain whirling too.  Emotional overload, anyone?

So I decided this post needed to be written.  Because I know that I am not the only one who feels this way (see these posts from George, Scott, Sara, and Kelly).  And this song pretty perfectly describes how I feel.  There are so many things I wish I could fix.

My diabetes.  The diabetes of my DOC friends.  Other things that plague those I love.  But I can't fix any of it.

On days like this, all we can do is hold onto each other, put our faith in something bigger than ourselves, and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

"Fix You" by Coldplay

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you 





8 comments:

  1. I don't know what to say other than ((hugs)) - even though I don't like it when people say that to me! :)

    I love that song but I have never really paid attention to the lyrics before. That's powerful!

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  2. Like Sara, I never really listened to the lyrics before. Thank you for that gift! Also saddened by the loss of lives I never knew.

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  3. You have no idea how on target this post is. We'll lean on each other. I don't care if it's Sunday or not, I'm glad you put it out there.

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  4. Jess that is so appropriate to this week... {{HUGS}}

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  5. Hugs, and wishes for your Endo appointment Jess. All I know is that song gets to me... and when ther's so much going on in life and then the D-Universe gets hit the way it has, it's just a lot to take in. But, we go on. Best your way, my friend.

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  6. I don't think there is a more appropriate song. (((Hugs)))

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  7. Tears are stinging. I am really struggling this past week...between the deaths of these two girls and my step father's death...I am hurting and don't even feel comfortable putting it out there. It is too dark and "anti-glitter". :/

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  8. I have never heard this song before & I can't for the life of me figure out why. Maybe it was waiting for the moment when I would need to hear it most. Like now. Thank you.

    All I can offer you is this, ((((((Jess)))))). And if I could fix all of us I would. Even if it took my very last breath.

    Our pancreases might be broke, but we are NOT broken. I think our lack of beta cells mean that we have something extra in other areas. Humor, compassion, talent, love, empathy, loyalty, kindness, patience, and any number of other wonderful qualities that I see from you & the other members of the DOC, every single day. I don't see broken or sick people. I see determined & empowered people. And thankfully, I see friends that have become family.

    Now about those messy emotions, I hereby give you & everyone else permission to grieve, rage, & especially cry. Sometimes we are so busy being strong that we don't think we have the right to show those messy emotions. Well I say not only can we, but we should.

    Now if you'll excuse me I have to go find some tissue. Sometimes "messy" isn't just a euphemism. :P

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