Friday, August 12, 2011

It's Not Enough




I freaking love my insulin pump.

My first pump!
image credit here
I only did injections for four years.  I went on an insulin pump when I was 14, about one week before the start of my freshman year of high school.  And I had to go into the hospital for three days to learn to use it!  Seems crazy now, right?

Holy major life changes, Batman.

This happened sometime in mid-August.  I don't know the exact date of my "pumpaversary."

I've posted before about why I got a pump in the first place.  Sorry if I'm repeating myself.  Between sixth and eighth grade, I had three low seizures in the middle of the night.  NPH (also known as "The Insulin Who Shall Not Be Named"), had wicked peaks for me.  I would bottom out like none other.  Same with Ultra Lente.

So every night my mom woke me up to test and eat to prevent another seizure.

Every single night.

And so when I hear about lives lost to Type 1 Diabetes, like the two we learned about yesterday, I can't help but shudder.

That could have been me.

My parents' bedroom was upstairs, mine was downstairs.  And yet, they woke up for every seizure.  And called 911.  And I was ok.

But it could have ended differently.  Though this was long before Facebook or Twitter, someone could have been lighting a blue candle for me.

image credit here

My heart hurts for those families.  It feels heavy in my chest.

But we all know the fear.  And I can't help but be so grateful that I am still here.

That pump that my pediatric endo and parents fought so hard to get changed my life.  I don't feel it's an exaggeration to say that it saved my life.

For 14 years now, I been attached to this little machine.  Doing sets changes.  Filling reservoirs.  Tucking tubing back in my pants when it sneaks out.

14 years without a break.  Doesn't mean I won't ever take one.  And I'm not saying that a pump is the right choice for everyone.  That's not true.  It is the right choice for me.

Since I was able to get the CGM, I am a little less afraid.  That safety net does make me feel better, and has woken me up when I've gone low at night.

But I don't think anything will ever take away that fear.  Especially when you hear of other lives this disease has claimed.

I had trouble sleeping last night.  Not because I was afraid.  My CGM graph was rather pretty, actually.  But I couldn't turn my brain off.  When someone with Type 1 dies, it makes you think about all the things you try to block out.  All those feelings and emotions come to the surface.  Like it could have been me.

Diabetes is scary.  Most days, it goes ok.  Most days, I think, "I can do this."  And I can.  But it can be scary as hell.

Today, I am reminded why I love my pump.  Why it's worth the kinked sets and air bubbles and vampire cannulas.  I love this little purple, cupcake-covered pump.

But it's not enough.  We need a closed-loop system.  We need that Artificial Pancreas.  And a cure?  While I can barely dare to hope for one, we need it.  People are dying.

I know this post is all disorganized and rambly, but it's where my brain is right now.  It was going to be all about celebrating my pump.  So happy pumpaversary to me.  I love my pump as much as it's possible to love an inanimate object.  But today, it's not enough.







7 comments:

  1. I feel the same strange mix of sorrow and gratitude. I'm still such a baby Type 1 that I don't have the same history, but am so sad to hear of the lives lost in our community.

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  2. It's a tough time in the DOC. Such heartbreaking loss. It's a time like this that I value the DOC even more. ((hugs))

    Love your cute pump btw! Cupcakes = Awesome. :)

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  3. OMG Your pump is literally the cutest thing I have EVER SEEN I WANT IT!!! I LOVE IT!!!!!

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  4. I think this post is perfect! I just hope those candles offer a little comfort to the families left behind. So sad indeed.

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  5. Will your pump marry Js pump? Adorable!

    And not rambling. I feel the same way. Grateful and scared all in one.

    Love you :)

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  6. Love you...I am having a hard time this week. It makes me feel better to know that I am not alone.

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  7. I've had a rough go of it this week, too. It's scary. It hurts. I get it.

    I don't think it's going to far to say your pump saved your life. Not at all. Dex saved Sweetpea's life. I'm as sure as I am of my own name. Without it - a device that is not even approved for children - there very well could have been candles for her.

    It breaks my heart and it scares the HELL out of me. And yet, I am so grateful, too. So unbelievably thankful it was there.

    And you are right. As blessed as I feel... it's not enough. ((Hugs))

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