Friday, February 24, 2012

Spilling My Guts

You may have noticed I've been rather quiet lately.

Things have been a bit rough, lately.  And I know I'm not the only one who's been having a hard time.  The February DSMA Blog Carnival topic is "What can we do to stop depression from hitting our community during the winter months?"

I've need to write this post for a while, but I've been putting it off.  Ignoring the problem makes it go away, right?  Yeah, I know it doesn't.

I have an endo appointment next week, and I'm dreading it.  I was so happy about my last A1c.  But a lot has happened between then and now, and I know this one will be higher.  I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for that reality.  I feel like I'm letting my endo and CDE down (though this is all inside my head and they've done nothing to make me feel this way).  I'm just so disappointed in myself.  No one is harder on me than I am on myself.  I am my own worst enemy.  I believe it's important to be honest.  So here we go.

There are a many reasons the past few months have been hard.  First of all, we had the holidays.  Don't get me wrong, I love the holiday season, but for me, it's the most difficult time of year to have diabetes.  I feel like a total Grinch some days.  All the food, everywhere you look, reminding me that yes, my pancreas is still broken.  And I had the CGM graphs to prove it.

Additionally, due to circumstances beyond my control, I've only seen my therapist twice since Thanksgiving.  Twice. In four months.  And it's not because I don't want to.  She's just difficult to get into, which is a testament to her awesomeness.  I don't want to switch to someone else, but seeing her regularly was helping SO MUCH.  So my food issues are rearing their ugly heads again.  Not every day.  But some days.  Enough over the course of the past few months to show me that I still have a long way to go.

Here, we enter TMI territory.  Boys, you may want to skip this part if it makes you uncomfortable.  Adding to the diabetes madness is the fact that I never know what to expect month to month.  Some months, my blood sugars are quite stable and I need no additional insulin.  Other months, the week before my period it's like I'm pumping water.  150% basal, doubled correction factor, insulin:carb ratio increased by 50%.  All just to stay under 200.  

Makes me want to pull my hair out.

And finally, I've been sick what feels like a lot.  I know it's more than I typically am during the winter.  And we all know what that does for blood sugars.

I'm sorry for all the venting and whining, but I needed to get this stuff off my chest.  I want to quit.  I really, really do.  Every day, I have to make the decision not to quit.  That I can do this.  That I am determined to do my best to take care of myself, no matter how uncooperative diabetes is.

There were years where I did quit.  I went through the motions, checking my blood sugars, taking my insulin, but not caring about any of it.  All of that has been on my mind a lot lately.  Apathy is easier.  Living a shadow of a life, devoid of emotions, is easier.

But not better.  Some days, it certainly looks better.  And the temptation to close myself off and embrace the apathy is there.  But I am determined not to give in.

So here I am, spilling my guts to the entire internet, because I never want to go back to that place.  I don't want the apathy.  As my grandma always says, this too shall pass.  And I know it will.

Do you know what helps me?  Constant reminders that I am never alone.  My family and my husband have been amazing.  I lean on them so much.  And I lean on you, DOC.  I know other people are having a hard time too.  And we will get through this together.  None of us are alone.

No matter how you're feeling, it's ok.  Know that you are never alone.  Please tell someone.  There are so many people in the DOC willing to lend an ear, or shoulder to cry on.  Please tweet, facebook, blog, email, text- do something.  Bottling our feelings up inside isn't healthy.

I don't think that we can stop depression from hitting the community.  But we can be there to help each other through it, and that's what counts.

“This post is my February entry in the DSMA Blog Carnival.  If you’d like to participate too, you can get all of the information at


  1. Jess, I admire you so much. Please keep putting one foot in front of the other. I know you'll win in time.

  2. Thanks for the feelings in this post. You are not alone.

  3. Big hugs to you, Jess. It takes some cojones to post something like this. I'm proud of you for opening up like you have. You CAN do this. I know you can!

  4. Doesn't it feel a little better now that you've written about how you feel and how hard things get at times, to the point you want to quit? And doesn't it make you feel proud that despite all that, you are convince that you can do this?

    That's the power of sharing, Jess. Find strength in those hard moments because we learn the most from them. Many hugs!

  5. Wow, Jess, that is a lot of frustrating stuff going on...

    What struck me most about your post was the fact that every day, you choose not to quit!

    That just shows how incredibly strong you are and I'm very proud of you.

    I love ya and we are going to get thru this

  6. Amazing post! I know it's so hard to deal with everything ALL THE TIME. It's frustrating, but like Scott said, you choose not to quit and that's all that matters! :) Baby steps!

  7. Wooh, Kim quoted herself. TAKE A DRINK! Jess you are awesome and we all have our bad times. And well if food is getting in your way, just kill it.... Oh wait. No, it's already dead. The holiday season is tough, we all have our gorges. Today is Friday and a new day. So too is tomorrow. You can do this. :-p

  8. Jess, you're doing just fine. You set your sights high (or low, as A1C goals generally go) and have to work extra-hard to reach them. Like, you, I had a time when I quit -- and looking back on my college years, I wonder how I got through there alive. I remember working in physics lab with my head in a haze, because my blood sugars were probably bouncing even wilder than the ones on Kim's Dexcom (see today's TextingMyPancreas post). Of course, I didn't have a Dexcom in the mid-90's; I had a clunky meter, a stash of syringes, and vials of Regular and NPH. I will NOT let myself go back to those days!

    But you've got the tools: the pump, the CGM, and the support and encouragement of the DOC. You CAN Do This.

    (Oh, and one more thing -- I once confided in my endo that I dreaded visits because I was afraid he would yell at me if I showed him my results. He thought I was nuts. He reminded me that I'm not a little kid trying to please his parents and his doctor anymore. He gives the advice and the prescriptions, and the rest is up to me. So don't worry about letting your doctor down.)

  9. You are such a strong woman! Amazing post. Every day we wake up and face a decision: deal with it or ignore it. You're right that sometimes ignoring is easier but not better. Today you're one step closer.

  10. In a way, I'm kind of there too right now. Going thru the motions, but that's about it. Having people online keeps me from going completely crazy and totally non-compliante though. I'll be thinking about you. We'll get through this.

  11. Boy.... that all really sucks! That is not meant to be heartless, I've been told I lack tact sometimes. But I also don't sugar coat things. That really sucks... and wanna know how I KNOW it sucks? well... cuz diabetes SUCKS!!!
    Hope you get through your endo appointment and "carry on"!

  12. Jess, this is such an honest post and the first step anywhere is honesty, right?! I love that you wrote that every day, you choose not to quit. Go with that sister. Every day, choose not to quit. And soon enough that will change to doing it every day. We are all here for you.

  13. Thank you for all the help you provided me! Just know there are people reading this, that you don't know, that are pulling for you! Joe

  14. I'm so glad you wrote this, Jess, because I bet you feel better just simply by sharing. I know I feel better just reading it, because it makes me feel so much less alone. xoxo to you, and go watch yourself some Yip Yip Martians. It'll make you giggle. :)

  15. Thank you for writing this Jess and don't ever apologize for needing to get stuff out. This is a good role model on a step to help overcome depression. The OC has been there for me so much I feel like owe them all a copayment.

    The thing is finding the courage and strength to write that post. To get it out. That is the hardest part but as soon as you do there is a community ready to help.

    I thank God for you, our friendship, and your courage. I hope we can sing more worship songs together soon. :)

  16. I completely understand. I am going through the same thing and it's so comforting to know I'm not alone. Diabetes, like life, is an ebb and flow, and we're bound to flow back again - up from the sludge that is burnout.

  17. You know I'm right there with you. *hugs* I hope that just writing it out has helped you, even in some small way. I know it helps me when I do it.

  18. I believe that when we share our struggles, our burden is made less as we know others are here to help us. I'm sorry you're having a tough time but I'm glad you shared your thoughts with us.
    Diabetes sucks...
    BIG hug!

  19. Jess, thanks for writing about apathy. The cold numbness of it is so familiar to me. I lived it, breathed it, and surrounded myself in a cocoon of apathy for 2 years. It is hard to break free. By speaking your truth you just broke through. Good for you. Thanks for speaking up. Your voice helps me find my voice and helps me keep on fighting. You really are not alone. Ever! Big hug!

  20. You, my darling girl, are a ROCK STAR!!! I cannot even begin to say how much I admire & adore you. You CAN do this! ((((((Big Hugs))))))

    And remember, we are all here for you too! So vent at will! :D

  21. Jess, I know that many have read this and said, "YES! ME TOO!" You have helped others by putting it all out there, thank you for that!

    I just want you to know that I love you and I think you are amazing. This too will pass, and when you come out the other side you will be amazed at your strength. You CAN do this! You ARE doing this! Hugs!

  22. You just explained what I have in the past and do go through everyday. It's tough, and not a lot of non-diabetics realize how frustrating it is at times. Therapy can be great but consistency is important too. Maybe try booking 2 or more appointments ahead if you can so you're garunteed to get in. If you can't get in often enough you may have to find someone else. It sucks I know. I had to do it when I started working shift work at nights. You kind of have to go over everything again, but the new person may be able to bring a new perspective to things and help with new ways to cope. Mine did and it made me feel better about moving. Good luck and know that the T1 community is always here to listen!

  23. Simply, you are TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL girl. You ARE doing this...and you are doing it well because you are letting others know they are not alone. xo

  24. I love that ONE day later I am comment 24!!

    My thought is that it is tough to care. By that I mean when you are going for tighter BG control, there are going to be more times when you are out of range. More times out of range means more opportunities to feel guilty. It is the guilt that we have to deal with because 99.99999999% of the time it is not our fault!

    You know I'm here whenever you need it.

    And I think you are going to be pleasantly surprised by your A1c.

  25. Thanks for writing this, Jess. It's not easy getting over those feelings of wanting to quit - I have them so incredibly often myself. No matter what has happened to cause them, the challenge of getting over that feeling is a whole different journey than getting past the underlying issue(s). But I am starting each day praying, asking for help to have the ability to not quit. To get past whatever negative feelings, and to just see the positive in whatever I may do. Good luck, my friend. My prayers and thoughts are with you... and we should totally Skype before long. Drop me a line.

  26. Oh Jess, I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I know just how hard it is. But like you said, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!! I want you to know just how much I admire you and all that you've been doing. I'm so excited that you've presented at JDRF and that you'll be presenting at TCOYD too. And you've been so brave to start therapy - something I haven't worked up to yet. You are an inspiration and I can't wait to hang out with you again!!

  27. i hope you felt better after getting this out. as you can see, you helped so many others not feel alone. and just think of the countless others who read but didn't comment.

    here's hoping your honesty here helps you as you start each day anew.