You may have noticed I've been rather quiet lately.
Things have been a bit rough, lately. And I know I'm not the only one who's been having a hard time. The February DSMA Blog Carnival topic is "What can we do to stop depression from hitting our community during the winter months?"
I've need to write this post for a while, but I've been putting it off. Ignoring the problem makes it go away, right? Yeah, I know it doesn't.
I have an endo appointment next week, and I'm dreading it. I was so happy about my last A1c. But a lot has happened between then and now, and I know this one will be higher. I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for that reality. I feel like I'm letting my endo and CDE down (though this is all inside my head and they've done nothing to make me feel this way). I'm just so disappointed in myself. No one is harder on me than I am on myself. I am my own worst enemy. I believe it's important to be honest. So here we go.
There are a many reasons the past few months have been hard. First of all, we had the holidays. Don't get me wrong, I love the holiday season, but for me, it's the most difficult time of year to have diabetes. I feel like a total Grinch some days. All the food, everywhere you look, reminding me that yes, my pancreas is still broken. And I had the CGM graphs to prove it.
Additionally, due to circumstances beyond my control, I've only seen my therapist twice since Thanksgiving. Twice. In four months. And it's not because I don't want to. She's just difficult to get into, which is a testament to her awesomeness. I don't want to switch to someone else, but seeing her regularly was helping SO MUCH. So my food issues are rearing their ugly heads again. Not every day. But some days. Enough over the course of the past few months to show me that I still have a long way to go.
Here, we enter TMI territory. Boys, you may want to skip this part if it makes you uncomfortable. Adding to the diabetes madness is the fact that I never know what to expect month to month. Some months, my blood sugars are quite stable and I need no additional insulin. Other months, the week before my period it's like I'm pumping water. 150% basal, doubled correction factor, insulin:carb ratio increased by 50%. All just to stay under 200.
Makes me want to pull my hair out.
And finally, I've been sick what feels like a lot. I know it's more than I typically am during the winter. And we all know what that does for blood sugars.
I'm sorry for all the venting and whining, but I needed to get this stuff off my chest. I want to quit. I really, really do. Every day, I have to make the decision not to quit. That I can do this. That I am determined to do my best to take care of myself, no matter how uncooperative diabetes is.
There were years where I did quit. I went through the motions, checking my blood sugars, taking my insulin, but not caring about any of it. All of that has been on my mind a lot lately. Apathy is easier. Living a shadow of a life, devoid of emotions, is easier.
But not better. Some days, it certainly looks better. And the temptation to close myself off and embrace the apathy is there. But I am determined not to give in.
So here I am, spilling my guts to the entire internet, because I never want to go back to that place. I don't want the apathy. As my grandma always says, this too shall pass. And I know it will.
Do you know what helps me? Constant reminders that I am never alone. My family and my husband have been amazing. I lean on them so much. And I lean on you, DOC. I know other people are having a hard time too. And we will get through this together. None of us are alone.
No matter how you're feeling, it's ok. Know that you are never alone. Please tell someone. There are so many people in the DOC willing to lend an ear, or shoulder to cry on. Please tweet, facebook, blog, email, text- do something. Bottling our feelings up inside isn't healthy.
I don't think that we can stop depression from hitting the community. But we can be there to help each other through it, and that's what counts.
“This post is my February entry in the DSMA Blog Carnival. If you’d like to participate too, you can get all of the information at http://diabetessocmed.com/2012/february-dsma-blog-carnival/“