Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Caring Enough

I am my own worst critic.  Totally and completely.  No one is harder on me than I am on myself.  Ever.  Yesterday's topic was a challenge.  Today, I could write a novel.

"One thing we could try to do better."  Only one thing?  Okay, I'll try to focus.  I'd like to share the thing that I've been focusing on lately.  Something I'm working on learning how to do.

Caring enough without caring too much. 

Let me explain.  Before I found the DOC, I spent several years living in apathy.  I was numb to diabetes; I went through the motions but didn't care.

And then after I found the DOC, I was a born again person with diabetes!  I counted my carbs meticulously.  I tested like clockwork.  I got a CGM and watched it like a hawk.  I was determined to take care of myself.

But I soon burned out, and was battling apathy again.  I cared too much.  My goals were unrealistic and unsustainable.  No one can be a perfect person with diabetes.  Not possible.

Somewhere there is a balance.  A place where I care enough to take care of myself.  But I don't care so much that one rouge blood sugar makes me give up.  That's hard for me.  Some days are easier than others.

photo by Andy Wright
Flickr Creative Commons

Struggling with binge eating makes all of this infinitely more difficult.  I usually start out well enough in the morning.  As I move through my day, I do my best to make good choices in what I eat, and to carb count and bolus accordingly.  All it takes is a random high bg to make me throw in the towel.  When I'm following all the rules, when I didn't eat those cookies, when I tripled-checked my bolus.  And I'm still high.  My brain's response is to get incredibly frustrated and think, "Why the hell do I even try?  There's no point."

And frequently, I respond by binging, which only makes the high worse.  It's not a fun cycle.  I want to learn to see the number as a number, as data, and not have such a viceral emotional response.  I want to learn to care about the high number, but not so much that it overtakes everything else.

I want to find the balance between caring enough and caring too much.  I know it's there somewhere.  And I'll keep looking till I find it.

For more posts about One Thing To Improve click here!

Also, yesterday I had the great honor of guest posting over at Medtronic's blog, The Loop.  Head on over and check it out!


12 comments:

  1. yes. just. mmhmm. completely. agreed.

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  2. Isn't balane the holy grail of diabetes care? It isn't easy, but I KNOW you can do it! You'll find your stride!

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  3. Sometimes I wonder if the DOC contributes to diabetes burnout. Living with it 24/7 is one thing, but living it and talking about it for hours a day is, like, 42/7. That's damn near impossible.

    To add a silver lining to this post, I think the fact that you struggle sometimes makes your story that much more authentic. And that, tying in to yesterdays post, makes you an inspiration.

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  4. My post for today was similar. I hear ya. We're only human and humans are anything but perfect, but you're worth the effort. I'm glad you keep on keepin on.

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  5. I completely agree. Reading most people's post today has been like looking in a mirror.

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  6. oh yes for sure. contradiction = balance and it's what i strive for most in life, in D management and beyond. phew. more power to ya!

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  7. Love this post Jess. So great to read your own battles written down with such honesty. We will get there, one day.

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  8. Thanks for sharing your struggle. I think it helps all of us to know that each/many of us have our own issues that we deal with each day.
    Hugs...

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  9. What a great honest post, Jess. That's such a tough line to walk sometimes, when we're trying our best not to overdue our caring and focus too much but don't want to be apathetic to what we must do. I fall into those peaks and dips regularly, and more often than I care to admit I find myself saying, "I just don't care." Not good, when it comes to D-management. And for me, too, a lot of it goes to food. Snacking and just wanting to consume whatever I can without having to care about carb-counting and dosing. It's a vicious cycle. But it's people like you, the support in this community and the DOC activity, that helps keep me focused and accountable in the times I don't want to be. So, I thank you for that. And send all my best vibes your way in successfully managing that line between caring and care-free.

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  10. So that guy balancing in your picture... did you notice the guy to his left acting as his spotter?

    We've got you.

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  11. Love what Sara just said! For real!

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