"One thing we could try to do better." Only one thing? Okay, I'll try to focus. I'd like to share the thing that I've been focusing on lately. Something I'm working on learning how to do.
Caring enough without caring too much.
Let me explain. Before I found the DOC, I spent several years living in apathy. I was numb to diabetes; I went through the motions but didn't care.
And then after I found the DOC, I was a born again person with diabetes! I counted my carbs meticulously. I tested like clockwork. I got a CGM and watched it like a hawk. I was determined to take care of myself.
But I soon burned out, and was battling apathy again. I cared too much. My goals were unrealistic and unsustainable. No one can be a perfect person with diabetes. Not possible.
Somewhere there is a balance. A place where I care enough to take care of myself. But I don't care so much that one rouge blood sugar makes me give up. That's hard for me. Some days are easier than others.
|photo by Andy Wright|
Flickr Creative Commons
Struggling with binge eating makes all of this infinitely more difficult. I usually start out well enough in the morning. As I move through my day, I do my best to make good choices in what I eat, and to carb count and bolus accordingly. All it takes is a random high bg to make me throw in the towel. When I'm following all the rules, when I didn't eat those cookies, when I tripled-checked my bolus. And I'm still high. My brain's response is to get incredibly frustrated and think, "Why the hell do I even try? There's no point."
And frequently, I respond by binging, which only makes the high worse. It's not a fun cycle. I want to learn to see the number as a number, as data, and not have such a viceral emotional response. I want to learn to care about the high number, but not so much that it overtakes everything else.
I want to find the balance between caring enough and caring too much. I know it's there somewhere. And I'll keep looking till I find it.
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Also, yesterday I had the great honor of guest posting over at Medtronic's blog, The Loop. Head on over and check it out!