I know I haven't posted much lately. After my awesome endo visit, you would think that things would be going great. That I should be happy.
But the past couple weeks have been total crap.
Before I go any further, I want to say that the past few days have been much better. Thanks to my husband, my friends, and my therapist, I am feeling much better. But things have been pretty rough. And I believe in being honest with you guys.
So back to the crap. My fears about the binge eating monster proved themselves not to be unfounded. I've been in a rut. And the monster reared its ugly head once again.
I'm learning a lot about myself as I'm going through therapy, both in talking with my therapist and journaling (per her suggestion). I'm realizing that there are behaviors and patterns that have been present in my life for years and years. And it's going to take a while to learn to do things differently.
I don't like to deal with uncomfortable emotions. Fear, stress, anxiety, etc. My gut reaction to crave numbness. Apathy. To become detached. And food is how I try to get there.
It doesn't work, of course. Rationally, I know this. But it's taking some time and effort to try to change my behavior. Some days go really well. I'm able to feel the uncomfortable emotions, and know that I am ok. That these emotions will pass and are not going to destroy me. Other days, not so much.
The kicker is that when I most need to reach out, I withdraw. That's why I've been pretty absent lately. When things start to go south for me, I pull inward. I go to work, come home, watch TV, and eat. I don't interact with people. I stop tweeting. I stop blogging.
It's something I'm aware of, and that I hope will be able to change at some point. Because I know the support is there when I need it. My family, my friends, and you, my Diabetes Online Community. I'm hopeful that next time I fall into a rut, I'll be able to reach out to someone. Because I know it will help.
Monday night, I wrote in my journal, had a long talk with Josh, and a good cry. I started to feel better. Then I sent a tweet.
Just the tip of the iceberg. A bit of an understatement, perhaps. I got some responses. And that helped more than I can say. Major thanks to Stacey, Rachel, Mike, Jacquie, Scott, Scott, Lawren, Kim, Kerri, Cherise, Andrea, Bob, and Lisa. Thank you so much. You have no idea how much your tweets helped me.
I'm sorry I haven't been around lately. Responding to tweets, reading and commenting on blogs. I miss you guys. And I'm so happy that #FFL12 is next week. I need it. Badly.
Thanks for the support, and thanks for understanding. I'm still here. Strong at the broken places.