Thursday, June 14, 2012

Living This Imperfect Life

The past few days have not been good food days for me.  I've been doing really well for the last month or so.  But the last several days have been a struggle.  I'm hoping that today will be better.  That I will be able to journal what I'm feeling instead of channeling it into food.

Because like I said, things have been going really well for the past several weeks.  I'm really starting to see some progress.  I love my new therapist now, and I know that making the switch was the right choice for me.  Having my own regular appointment every two weeks is making a huge difference.

I had an endo appointment last week.  I was hopeful that my A1c had stayed the same, and not increased.  The last month had gone well, but the two before that, not so much.  But I knew that no matter what the number was, that I could look my endo in the eyes and say that things were going better.  And that my last several weeks of CGM data would back me up.  Because while I can't control what my blood sugar does, my numbers are so much better overall when I'm not binge eating.

The paper slid under the door with my A1c.  I couldn't see it.  My endo picked it up, looked at it, and smiled.  He looked at me, still grinning, and told me the number.

I'm not sure how long I sat there with my mouth hanging open.  I was in shock.  My A1c had dropped by 0.4%! What the what?  How is this possible.

I sat there on the table, dumbstruck.  With tears stinging my eyes, I had to bite my tongue to stop myself from asking him to retest it.  Because not only had my A1c dropped, but it was lower than that number.  The number I set as a goal for myself after finding the DOC one and a half years ago.  I had been within 0.1% of that goal before, but now I was sitting 0.2% lower than my goal.  I could hardly believe it.

I still can hardly believe it!  The paper with my A1c is on my fridge, and I smile every time I look at it.  I CAN do this!

A little disclaimer before I go any further: I don't believe that an A1c is the be all end all when it comes to measuring how things are going with diabetes.  A1cs don't take into account all the crap we PWDs deal with on a daily basis.  Or the emotional and psychological warfare that diabetes can bring.

But A1cs are a measure we have to look at.  And my current A1c is the lowest I can ever remember.  And my standard deviation is good, so that means I'm not having a crapton of lows and highs that balance their way to a low A1c.  The average lines on my CGM data are pretty stable.  So I can feel good about reaching my A1c goal, because it's happened safely.

After calling Josh and completely freaking out, I called my mom.  She knew I was at the endo's.  She asked how it went.  I told her my A1c.  And my mom gasped.  I could hear her start to choke up.

Me: "And my standard deviation is good!  Mom, has my A1c ever been under (goal number) before?  It hasn't as far as I can remember."

Mom: "I don't think it has.  Oh Jessica, this is fantastic!  We need to celebrate!  I don't have time to bake you a cake..."

I'm actually not sure who's more excited about my A1c, me or my mom.  I think my mom.  She keeps texting me about it, still so excited, and telling me how proud she is.

And I'm proud too.  Because while my self-worth shouldn't be tied to this number, hot damn does it feel good to see some progress.  To see that conquering my binge eating is going to make such a difference.  That going to therapy is making such a difference.

So I am happy, and proud, but still guarded.  Because I know at any time I could go sliding backwards.  The past few days have reminded me of that.  The binge eating is still there, lurking, waiting.  It's not been conquered yet.  And nothing can sabotage my efforts to take care of myself like that monster can.

But I will cling to hope.  Today was better than earlier in the week.  Perfect?  No.  But better?  Yes.  And for right now, better is enough.  And tomorrow will be better too.

I CAN do this.  That's why this A1c means so much to me.  It's tangible proof that I can do this.  That I can live this imperfect rollercoaster life with diabetes.  That food won't have a hold over me forever.

I saw this picture and had to get it.  It's going up in our hallway.

"Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul." -Emily Dickinson


  1. Congrats on not only achieving a goal, but surpassing it. Things like this make it all a little more tolerable. Good for you!

  2. I am very proud of you, Jess!!! And I know YOU CAN DO THIS! You're a very strong women. Try not to forget. :)


  3. You are awesome, and wonderful, Jess!

  4. Cool! Hitting goals feels good, surpassing is totally cooler.

  5. You did it! You did it!
    Nice going, Jess!

  6. I'm so proud of you, kiddo! I have faith in you & I know you can beat this monster. You are far stronger than you know.

    You CAN do this!!!

    Love you!

  7. Nice! I'm so happy for you. Not happy for your A1C per se, but I'm happy to see the happiness that it's brought you. Reading the words of this post, I can tell that you're feeling on top of the world right now.

  8. Oh, congratulations! And love to your mom.

  9. Congrats, Jess! You are awesome.

  10. faaaaaanTAStic! WAY TO KICK ASS!!! :D