Tuesday, September 18, 2012
So...yeah...um...I know I have a blog. I didn't forget.
I feel like I owe you guys an update. I know I've been quiet lately. So here we go.
It's been a rough few months. I've been dealing with feelings of depression and anxiety that have gotten worse. There are times when making it through the workday takes all of my energy. I get home and have absolutely none left. Not for tweeting or texting, let alone writing a blog post. No energy for engaging with people. Not every day is like this, but it's happening enough to call a pattern.
And what do I do with these feelings of depression and anxiety? Feed them, of course. Sigh. That is my struggle. For whatever reason, when I feel like these emotions are going to overwhelm me and I cannot deal with them, I turn to food. I'm ashamed of this. I've put back on the weight that I lost. I wish with every fiber of my being that I could magically make this problem go away. But I can't. As desperately as I want a quick fix, I know there isn't one. But sometimes I want it to go away so badly it hurts.
The eating leads, of course, to guilt. And also high blood sugars. It's a vicious cycle. I hate it.
However, the last week or so has been much better. I saw my therapist on Wednesday. No matter what, I always leave her office feeling empowered. We have a plan to hopefully get me feeling better. Just having a plan helps.
One thing that she and I celebrated is my #sweatbetes. Except for a couple weeks when I was sick, I've been keeping up with exercising. No matter what the rest of the day is like, that's one thing I know I can do to help take care of myself.
And as much as I hate to admit it, exercising is helping my mood SO MUCH. I still don't like it, but I feel so much better overall if I suck it up and do it. It's also helping my blood sugars. I've lowered my basals and insulin to carb ratio a bit. I can tell my body's using the insulin more efficiently.
So that's what I'm trying to focus on: the positive. The small things I can do to take care of myself. Get that exercise in. Stock the house with healthy food and not keep any junk around. Keep working with my therapist. Make myself interact with people, even when I don't feel like it.
My wonderful husband deserves a freaking medal. I have been quite a mess of late. And he is so supportive and encouraging. His belief in me helps me believe in myself.
And I want to thank my friends. You know who you are. I'd never make it without you.
Please know that if you are struggling, you are not alone. There are a lot of us struggling. But we can do this.