Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Long Overdue

Hi there.

So...yeah...um...I know I have a blog.  I didn't forget.

I feel like I owe you guys an update.  I know I've been quiet lately.  So here we go.

It's been a rough few months.  I've been dealing with feelings of depression and anxiety that have gotten worse.  There are times when making it through the workday takes all of my energy.  I get home and have absolutely none left.  Not for tweeting or texting, let alone writing a blog post.  No energy for engaging with people.  Not every day is like this, but it's happening enough to call a pattern.

And what do I do with these feelings of depression and anxiety?  Feed them, of course.  Sigh.  That is my struggle.  For whatever reason, when I feel like these emotions are going to overwhelm me and I cannot deal with them, I turn to food.  I'm ashamed of this.  I've put back on the weight that I lost.  I wish with every fiber of my being that I could magically make this problem go away.  But I can't.  As desperately as I want a quick fix, I know there isn't one.  But sometimes I want it to go away so badly it hurts.

The eating leads, of course, to guilt.  And also high blood sugars.  It's a vicious cycle.  I hate it.

However, the last week or so has been much better.  I saw my therapist on Wednesday.  No matter what, I always leave her office feeling empowered.  We have a plan to hopefully get me feeling better.  Just having a plan helps.

One thing that she and I celebrated is my #sweatbetes.  Except for a couple weeks when I was sick, I've been keeping up with exercising.  No matter what the rest of the day is like, that's one thing I know I can do to help take care of myself.

And as much as I hate to admit it, exercising is helping my mood SO MUCH.  I still don't like it, but I feel so much better overall if I suck it up and do it.  It's also helping my blood sugars.  I've lowered my basals and insulin to carb ratio a bit.  I can tell my body's using the insulin more efficiently.

So that's what I'm trying to focus on: the positive.  The small things I can do to take care of myself.  Get that exercise in.  Stock the house with healthy food and not keep any junk around.  Keep working with my therapist.  Make myself interact with people, even when I don't feel like it.

My wonderful husband deserves a freaking medal.  I have been quite a mess of late.  And he is so supportive and encouraging.  His belief in me helps me believe in myself.

And I want to thank my friends.  You know who you are.  I'd never make it without you.

Please know that if you are struggling, you are not alone.  There are a lot of us struggling.  But we can do this.


  1. So proud of you for not only talking about it, but taking steps to do something about it, too! Hugs!

  2. I really admire how you are taking control of your situation, even when it's hard, even when it doesn't feel like it's in control. I hope that things become smoother for you soon!

  3. I'm proud of you! When you're feeling like you're down in the pit, it's awfully hard to start climbing out. Sometimes you grab a shovel and start digging a tunnel. . .

    Thanks for being so honest and transparent!


  4. Aw, Jess! I'm sending some big hugs your way. I knew you were struggling, but I didn't realize it was this much. I love, love, love that the sweatbetes is helping you out and that you can see a difference in mood and blood sugars. It took me YEARS to figure out that I almost always feel happier and energized after a workout than before. And you're doing 30 Day Shred! RESPECT! I wouldn't dare.

    You can, you can, you can do this. I believe in you! *hugs*

  5. Lots of hugs. And can't wait to give you one in person.

  6. Jess,

    you are awesome! Keep up the fantastic work you are doing!

  7. Thank you for sharing - we are all human and are struggling with a lot. It is a good reminder for us all that we probably aren't the only ones working through a similar problem. I hope that it helped to write down what you're going through.

  8. Hugs, Jess. I'm happy to know you have a great therapist that makes you feel empowered. You inspire me with your openness. I hope in the days ahead you have more "betters" than not.

  9. We all love you, Jess. You've been so welcoming, inspirational, and helpful to me (and maybe you don't even know it!) whether relating to D-stuff or even just learning Twitter, and I've always thought of you as someone I could go to and trust about pretty much everything. Give yourself credit; you do so much for so many others, so I know you can do this for yourself. You've got a big group of supporters cheering you on.

  10. It takes such courage to not only deal with this crap, but to write about it and share with others. But I know you are helping people who feel the same and feel like they are alone in these struggles. I'm so proud of you for all you are doing!!

  11. I'm proud of you, too!
    Hang in there and remember that in addition to your wonderful husband, you have great friends who know you are more than capable of getting past this.

  12. I just want to say thank you for sharing your story, because I am sure there are many, many people that it will help to make them feel like they are not alone--because YOU are not alone. <3

    Also I wanted to say I love you, and you are amazing.

  13. Think how awesome we are going to feel when we finally get to that second level on Shred. :)

  14. Hang in there, kiddo! I know it doesn't seem like it, but you're doing a great job! We are all here for you. Love you bunches!!!!

  15. Keep it up girl. You are doing great. I am impressed that you kept up with the exercise through all of this. That is something to be proud of for sure. You.Can...and WILL...Do.This. xo

  16. I love this post for many reasons...but mostly because it comes from someone I would consider to be they type of role model I hope girls can aspire to be. Honest, passionate, and courageous. I'm proud of you for sticking to the exercise...and, FWIW, I've been doing Level 2 of the Shred since, um, May. I figure I ought to be able to get through that without stopping before I even consider Level 3 :)

    It takes guts to let your heart show this side of itself. Thanks for your transparency...from someone who is finally feeling like the sun is shining again, after 3 or 4 weeks of seeing the world through cloudy glasses.

    I get it.

    And I love you ;)

  17. Way to go on keeping moving, Jess! I am a mess without my basketball during the week. It's as much mental as it is physical for me.

  18. "His belief in me helps me believe in myself." I love you guys.

    Wish I had something more to say, hon - just know that I'm right there with you.

  19. big ups to you for writing this, jess. your honestly is inspiring and i know you are helping others out there, whether you know it or not. sounds like things are starting to get better bit by bit, so just keep it up. hugs to you.