Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Real, Tangible Hope

I'm almost afraid to say anything.  I don't want to jinx it.

But here we go anyway.

YOU GUYS!  I can honestly say, for the first time in a long time, that things are going really well!

Just typing that sentence makes me want to cry.  I've wanted to be able to say that for a long time, and now I actually can.  Not that everything is perfect, but definitely better.  The plan my psychologist came up with is really helping.  I feel like I've turned a corner.  There is no magic fix for my myriad of issues, but something has changed. 

The good days are outnumbering the bad days.  I have more energy.  Most days, I'm able to come home from work and actually do something, rather than immediately collapse on the couch.  It's a nice feeling.

And the binge eating?  It's not gone, but I no longer feel completely powerless against food.  I'm feeling so much better overall that I'm mostly able to cope without turning to food.  My therapist was right.  The feelings of depression and anxiety are what causes me to binge eat.  So treating those feelings treats the binging.

But I still can't help feeling like I'm walking on a tightrope.  As well as things are going right now, I still feel like at any moment I could slip.  That the darkness still lingers, one step behind me.  And it scares me.  My issues haven't disappeared.  They're still there, lying in wait.  I know I will struggle again.  Like I said, there is no magic here.

But still.

Hope.  That's what I have.  Real, tangible hope.  And I want to say thank you.  For the never ending support and encouragement.  For always reminding me that I can do this.  For never giving up on me.  My husband, my family, my friends, and the Diabetes Online Community.  Without all of you, I NEVER would be here.  You have carried me when I couldn't find the strength to stand.

As Hemingway said, I am "strong at the broken places."


  1. This is so wonderful to read!! Wishing you even more good days!

  2. I'm at that tightrope spot myself, and have been there before, and probably will again. But right now...is right now, and enjoying the happy and promise and hope, too.

    I'm glad you're there too.

  3. You were one of the first people who introduced me to the DOC, and the smiling face in your profile pic along with your (metaphorical) always-outstretched arm somehow told me that you are someone who really values friendships - you're genuine and you epitomize the "people helping people" concept - definitely someone worth knowing. You mean so much to so many people, and it's only fitting that things are now coming together for you personally.

    I'm so happy for you!!

  4. This makes me so happy to read!

  5. I am so glad you feel hopeful. it's a powerful feeling :)

  6. Oh Jess, I am really happy to hear you feel this way! You have worked hard to reach this stage, and with your continued efforts, your good days will continue and the bad days will become fewer and farther between.
    Just remember that no matter what the challenge, YOU.CAN.DO.THIS!!

    we are all behind you, giving a push when you need it, lifting you up and holding tight!

  7. smiles!! hoping along with you and wishing lots more good days than you can even count!

  8. This makes me so very happy. Congrats on getting to this point, Jess. Awesome. It's not easy, but you're doing it. I've been on that tightrope a number of times, and it does get dicey at times - but I've found over the past several months this year that there's even a safety net underneath in talking more about this... and that feeling brings on even more empowerment and hope that it can be done. Good for you, my friend... Smiles and hugs your way!