Wednesday, April 10, 2013

I Didn't Even Know

Trigger warning: depression, disordered eating

I've got spring fever!  Or something.  On Saturday, I engaged in some spring cleaning.  Gave the house a good old scrub down.  I even washed the baseboards!  I'm not sure I've ever washed the baseboards.  Then on Sunday, the gorgeous weather was calling my name, so I got outside in the yard and did some work.  My shoulders are still sore from raking!

Why does this matter?  Because as I was raking leaves, it hit me: I'm not depressed anymore.

Let me back up a bit.  At my last appointment with my therapist, we were discussing my progress.  As I was describing how I used to feel, and how I feel now, she was nodding her head.

"Well, you were definitely experiencing some depression."

I was?  I mean, I know I have anxiety and sometimes felt kinda depressed, but hadn't thought of myself as DEPRESSED, you know?

Sunday afternoon, ankle deep in leaves, it became crystal clear:  I was depressed and didn't even know.  I  used to come home from work and collapse on the couch.  Interacting with other people was just too much to bear.  Even the thought of loading the dishwasher felt completely overwhelming.

But there I stood in those leaves, looking back on my (for the moment) clean house.  I'm not depressed anymore.  Seeking treatment has changed my life.  No matter what kind of day I have, whether or not I binge, I have come so far.  I've gone from not being able to get off the couch, to actually caring about how the house looks.  And not because company's coming.  I have the energy to care now.

This is what I'm going to try to remember.  That moment in the yard.  I feel good today, but I know not every day will be that way.  Things aren't always sunshine and lollipops.  Some days will be awful.  My anxiety and depression are not gone forever--some days they will be back.

And on those days, I need to try to picture myself in the midst of those leaves, out in the beautiful spring weather.  I am better.  This too shall pass.


  1. There's a Something Corporate song called "Watch the Sky" and this post made it come to mind. I've said it many times to people in the past, but sometimes you really don't truly realize the depth of how difficult things are . . . until they are over.

    Hugs, Jess! <3

  2. I am so happy to read this! It's an important realization too... that while the things that may bug us may not change, the way we feel, react, and respond to them surely can. This is such great news!

  3. Isn't it crazy how stealthy and sneaky depression can be?

    So glad to hear that you're feeling great! May I borrow some of that energy? I have a lot of work to get done... Hehe!

  4. I'm so proud of you, kiddo! You are totally one of my heroes. Did your honey snap a pic of you in the leaves? If so, you should post it. :)

    Love you, kiddo!

  5. I like the idea of holding on to that moment in the yard, Jess. The hardest thing about "recovery" (I hate that word) is knowing that sliding back down that slope is not only possible but likely - but knowing that it's cyclical, that good days are around the corner? Priceless.


  6. Love this post Jess! And the Spring background on your blog :D

  7. Great to hear, and makes me think about how far I've come myself and how far I have yet to go. *hugs* Keep up the good work, babe!

  8. Proud of you, and glad to hear things are on the upswing now. :)

  9. I'm so happy that things are good right now! :)