Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Another Round in the Ring
Trigger warning: disordered eating.
I feel like I just finished a long boxing match. Metaphorically speaking, of course.
I LOVE the holiday season. The decorations, the carols, the family time, and the overall joy. But part of me is relieved that it's almost over. The part of me that deals with diabetes and disordered eating.
Since Thanksgiving, holiday goodies have been EVERYWHERE. Cookies, candies, pies, you name it. At work, at home, at family gatherings. And every time I encounter a batch of goodies, it feels like a boxing match. I can hear the bell ding.
Oooh, look at that. Yummy! But I really shouldn't eat any. Hm. Was is my blood sugar right now? If it's "in range," I don't want to ruin it. If I'm already high, I really shouldn't eat any more carbs. But maybe if I just have one...
My opponent is myself, and my flawed thinking. In a perfect world, I'd be able to eat one cookie/candy/whatever and be satisfied. But my thought patterns around food are still totally effed up. The more I think I shouldn't eat it, the more I want it. And the more likely I am to binge. It's usually actually best for me to walk away and not eat any, if I can manage it. I can't eat just one.
I am emotionally and mentally exhausted from all the boxing matches. That's not to say things went horribly all the time. They didn't. Mostly, it was similar to Thanksgiving. Could have been better, but definitely could have been worse.
There were moments I definitely binged. Hi there, chocolate chips cookies. And my blood sugars have been a good bit higher than I would like for the past couple weeks. But there were other moments when I was totally surrounded by yummy treats and was able to resist. I spent a lot of time with family, and that was wonderful. I wouldn't trade a second of that time for anything.
I love the holiday season. And I refuse to let diabetes and disordered eating still that joy from me. But I'm not ready for another round in the ring. I'm ready to hang up my gloves and get back to my regular routine. Bring it, 2014. I'm ready for you.