Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Overwhelmed



Thanksgiving was wonderful! I love the holiday season and all the time with family it brings. I spent Thanksgiving as I have as long as I can remember: at my grandparents' house. And I loved it. I am so blessed to have such an amazing family. And everyone survived all the togetherness!

There's another element to the holiday season that is my Achilles heel: food. Lots of food. Sugar cookies, chocolate chip cookies, rice crispy treats, pumpkin pie, apple pie--you get the idea. All this food, in the same house with me. And my diabetes and disordered eating.

If I'm being perfectly honest, things actually went ok. Yes, I ate WAY TOO MANY chocolate chip cookies. Seriously, way too many. It could have gone better. But it could have been worse too. It has been worse. I didn't overindulge much in the other sweets, as I have on previous occasions. My binge eating was limited to the chocolate chip cookies. Though my blood sugars still suffered, despite my attempts to bolus accordingly.

So though things could have been worse, it's the could have gone better part I'm stuck on. My old friend guilt is back with a vengeance. Oh hi there. I didn't miss you. It's been a week since Thanksgiving, and I'm still feeling guilty about my disordered eating patterns rearing their ugly heads. And I hate it.

I hate that I spend time thinking about the food I shouldn't have eaten rather then the amazing time spent with family. I hate that the guilt starts as soon as I finish eating. That part of me dreads the holiday season because of all the food.

Now Christmas is coming, and I'm still feeling guilty over Thanksgiving. More food. More stress. More guilt. And did I mention I see my endo Friday?  I feel so overwhelmed I want to scream!

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That helps a little. Talking about it helps too. That's why I share all of this here. Spilling my guts on this blog helps with the guilt and shame. It takes the power away.

I'm also overdue for a visit with my therapist. Talking with her will help too. Especially with the upcoming stress and food of Christmas.  I mean, it's Christmas, for goodness sake! I want to be able to focus on all the joy of the season, not spend my time obsessing over food. I don't want the disordered eating and anxiety to be in charge. Or diabetes, for that matter.

I want to be in charge. Me, Jess. Those other things will still be present, but not the focus. It's Christmas, and I want to focus on joy.

I'm calling my therapist tomorrow. I can do this. One day at a time.


6 comments:

  1. Your actions in acknowledging and writing about your food struggles & anxiety and making it a priority to call your therapist tells me that you are more in charge than you realize. You are doing this & I'm so proud of you. You are strong and resilient - never forget that.
    Xoxo

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  2. Oh Beautiful Girl. I love how honest you can be. Your right talking always helps. Just as the one above forgave you it is okay to forgive yourself. Maybe you will do better at christmas maybe you won't but we will be there for you. Lets continue to build traditions around family and activities and rest in the joy of the season. The food will always be there but it doesn't have to be the center. My addiction is zoning into the TV or letting the kids do this, I want it to be about conversations and every year I feel guilty about having to get it all done.
    Jess you are loved and beautiful and strong thank you for writting and ptting yourself out there. Good luck Friday!!!!!

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  3. Hi-- Just a personal opinion, but I think there's a lot to be said for self-awareness like you've described here. And in knowing that you're not the only one who fights these demons. 'Cause you're not. Good luck on Friday and the rest of December.

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  4. Oh sweetie, it is SO HARD during the holidays. So I know it could've gone better, but maybe try to focus on the fact that it also could have gone worse. I think you deserve a lot of credit for the progress you have made and for not overindulging in those other sweets too.

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  5. The holidays are hard, but self awareness is the first step and so incredibly important! You are also not alone! You can do this, and all of us who live with anxiety issues of all types are also going through things during the holidays, so know that you are not the only one! Think about everything that went right, and remember how strong you are! Just to be so self aware shows so much strength! Sending you lots of love and strength through the rest of the holiday season and always! xoxo

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  6. What went right? You could've eaten more, but you didn't. You had great time with family. And now, it wants that power back and it's trying to claw at your mind to let you know that you did it, you beat the temptation and the urges to eat more even during a big holiday. Smile at that, knowing that you've lived up to the mantra of YCDT. Writing it out here just proves it even more, and gives you more self-awareness power to make it happen again the next time all that food rolls around.

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