Today, I have endo on the brain. I went to my endocrinologist this morning, as I do every 3-4 months or so.
I’ve only ever had two endos in my whole life. The first was my pediatric endo, whom I saw till I was 18, and I’ve been with my current endo ever since.
I like my endo, I really do. But boy howdy, was I a hot mess this morning. What is it about going to the endo that causes me to completely freak out? The butterflies in my stomach, the anxiety, the stress. Yikes! I love my endo. He’s a very kind, laid back kinda guy. He has never, ever made me feel badly about myself.
Even back in November, when my A1c hit 8.0. I was horrified and holding back tears, and he just said, “Well, that’s higher than I’d like. Let’s see what we can do to get it down.”
So he suggested I contact my insurance again about getting a CGM. And they said yes! So I’ve been using my CGM since December, and I LOVE it!!! I’m kinda addicted…I might have a problem…
I also found the DOC back in November. So, thanks mostly to my DOC friends, as well as the CGM, my A1c dropped from 8.0 in November to 7.6 in February. Woot!
So, back to today. I was really hoping my A1c had gone down. I have been trying to take better care of myself. But between being sick and my food issues rearing their ugly heads over the last few weeks, my averages weren’t necessarily stellar. But I was still hopeful.
So when the number came back at 7.6 again, I was really disappointed. Yes, I’m still struggling with apathy, burnout, and my relationship with food, but damnit, I’ve been trying. Grrrr!
While I was disappointed, my endo, on the other hand, was very pleased. He said that it’s ok that it didn’t go down. The fact that it stayed the same even with me being sick shows that I am trying and the CGM is helping.
And here I must apologize for not giving you guys credit where it’s due. I’ve mentioned the DOC to him before, but didn’t expound on how much you all have helped me. I should have done that today, but was too worked up.
Anyways, so endo made a few minor tweaks here and there, but was really pleased overall. So I’m trying to focus on that. The fact that it stayed the same is good. I am making progress by doing the next thing.
I left the office still a little disappointed, but happy my endo was happy. Oh, and all the stress and anxiety leading up to the appointment led to a lovely 248 and an afternoon of stubborn 200s. Oh well.
But that A1c’s gonna be lower when I go back in August, damnit! I CAN do this!
D-rockstar: a person who is a total rock star in the D world. May also be used as a hashtag (#drockstar).
- test strips
- glucose tabs
- ketone strips
- anything else you can think of
If you have supplies to send, please email me or contact Victoria.
From Victoria’s post:
“If you have money, donate to the Red Cross by texting “Red Cross” to 90999 to have $10 added to your phone bill.
To send money to Huntsville’s local office, mail to American Red Cross, 1101 Washington Street, 35801. Designation: Tornado relief.
You can send national donations to theAmerican Red Cross, P.O. Box 37243, Washington D.C. 20013. Designation: Tornado relief.”
Note: I did not invent the term D-rockstar. I wanted a term that I could use to blog about what Victoria is doing. There is a site out there called Diabetic Rockstar. I am not a member of that site, nor did they ask me to use the term. I just found it fitting!
*Thanks for sticking with me through all the HAWMC posts this month! I’ll be back after a little blogging break, for the sake of my sanity. While I’m gone, send some stuff to Victoria. Love you all!*
Today’s Prompt: Wikipedia. Pretend you’re rewriting or adding onto your condition’s page – what sentence or paragraph should be included (in your opinion) on your the page.
Ok, first of all, I must say that I am quite impressed with what’s there when you search for diabetes. It has seperate sections on Type 1 and Type 2. Woohoo! And it even mentions LADA (although that section could stand to be expanded upon).
This line is both exciting and frustrating: “Both type 1 and 2 are chronic conditions that usually cannot be cured.”
Yay for someone entering that BOTH types usually cannot be cured! Woot!
Now the word “usually” needs to be removed, and we’ll be good to go.
Both type 1 and type 2 are chronic conditions that cannot be cured.
Up early today
Today’s Prompt: start by finding an old post of yours from months (or years) ago. Revise it as radically as you can.
This was the third blog entry I wrote, and my first brutally honest one. I picked this post to edit because they long and not entirely relevant intro has been bugging me ever since I posted it. I like the post overall, but it felt good to slash that part! Whew! Oh, and you can read the original post here.
Digging My Way Out
Buckle up, kids, this could be a long one.
Ok, so you should probably know that I’m a bibliophile and overall english nerd. If I’d had time, I would have loved to add an English major in college (as if I didn’t do enough writing with my psychology and theology majors). I worked in the writing lab, and am a total word nerd. I get it from my dad–the human dictionary. Back in college, I used to call him when writing a paper and say, “Dad, I’m thinking of another word for ________,” and he would rattle off a list of synonyms. I even called him on behalf of a few of my roommates. I also seem to be developing this (sometimes annoying) habit. I love words, so I’m going to bore you with some definitions now (thanks dictionary.com). Apathy means absence or suppression of passion, emotion, or excitement; also freedom from emotion of any kind. Burnout (also dictionary.com) means fatigue, frustration, or apathy resulting from prolonged stress, overwork, or intense activity. Huh, wow, I didn’t even realize apathy was in the definition of burnout. Guess that means I’m on the right track. So, now you know what I’m talking about. Apathy and burnout. Welcome to my life for the last few years. I know I’m not alone in this. A number of people have blogged about their burnout (Kelly did and also posted some burnout links here). And Kerri mentioned apathy in her post.
I am well acquainted with these terms. As my bio says, I was diagnosed with D at age 10, less than 2 weeks before the start of 4th grade. I’ll spare you my life story (for now), but all in all, I don’t even remember life before D.
My D care has been ok over the years. We all know how hard it is to balance the bgs of a kiddo, but thanks to a lot of work on my mom’s part, mine weren’t too bad. And college brings a host of it’s own challenges. Still, my A1Cs have remained consistently in the 7s. At my last endo appointment, it was 8.0, the highest it’s been in my adult life. Which amazes me. It really does. When my endo read the number, I breathed a huge sigh of relief. I had been expecting much worse.
I’m not sure when the burnout started, but it was sometime after I got married. Not that this has anything to do with my wonderful husband–far from it. I love him more than anything in the world! He’s always so supportive and encouraging, and strives to understand as much as any Type 3 (non-D loved ones) can.
So who knows why? But I had it–both apathy and burnout–hardcore. I still went through all the motions like a good little D patient. Still checked my sugars at least 4 times a day. Bolused for my food, changed my sets out when I should have, went to the endo.
But I didn’t care. Not about any of it. Not that my A1C was slowly rising. Not that I was constantly running in the 200-300s. Not that I only counted carbs when I ate something out of a box with a nutrition label. Everything else was SWAGing.
I should have been upset. Looking back, I’m horrified that I did that to myself. Also not helping
my sugars was my emotional eating. That’s something I’ve struggled with for a long time. Stuffing my face with empty carbs and calories, SWAG bolusing, and not even knowing why.
Not that I cared why. Looking at my wedding pictures made me sick. Good grief, was I ever that thin? All my emotional eating led to me gaining a good bit of weight, and go through A LOT of insulin. And then the guilt sets in. You need to lose weight. Don’t eat that. You need to get your bs under control.
But I just couldn’t. It was easier to stuff my face and not care what the number on the meter said. It was easier than dealing with it.
But dealing with what? I didn’t know. I love my husband. I live close to my family, who are all nothing but supportive. I have wonderful friends (even if most of them live out of state). And I love my job, not that it doesn’t stress me out sometimes. So what was wrong?
Now, I can see it. All the emotional eating and D apathy were symptoms of a severe case of D burnout. Serious, hardcore, deep burnout.
Fast forward to November 2010. I was at the end of my rope. My endo appointment was coming up. I’d already cancelled it twice because I was afraid of what my A1C would be. I knew I needed to go, but I was terrified. What would the number be? What would my endo say?
On a whim, I decided to join Juvenation, an online community for t1s and their families. Juvenation has been my saving grace. I didn’t even realize how alone I felt until I started poking around the site and reading some of the threads, posts, and blogs. I had an epiphany.
I. Am. Not. Alone. I AM NOT ALONE!!! I found support. I found a name for what I was struggling with–burnout. Naming my struggle gave me power over it. I knew I was going to be ok when I read this post by my now-friend C (thanks for that one, by the way).
Through Juvenation, I was introduced to the DOC (Diabetic Online Community). I started reading every d-blog I could find. I got a Twitter account. I am engaged and involved in my life again–the apathy is gone.
This is the part where I thank all my fellow DOCers. Without all of you, I know I would still be entrenched in that burnout. You are helping me dig my way out, one day at a time. I owe you all so much. More than words can say.
That’s why I started this blog. If the hell I have been through can help just one person, then it all will have been worth it. I know it sounds cheesy and corny, but it’s true. I know how you feel. I have been there. And thanks to my family, friends, new CGM, and the DOC, I am digging my way out.
Today’s prompt: Health Activist Choice. Today’s blog post can be about anything you like. Free write!
Well, I’m happy the HAWMC prompt today is a free-write! It saves me from writing two posts in one day!
Here’s the latest on the Reader’s Digest drama. None of us who emailed have heard back, except for Kelly, who has been calling and harassing them. She finally got a response from Karen Reynolds, which is sorely disappointing! You can read all about it here. Warning: it will likely make your blood boil!
So I shot off another email to RD, including Karen Reynolds. Here it is:
To Whom It May Concern-
Ok, people. Below is Karen’s contact info (also listed on Kelly’s post). Please email and call her! Make your voice heard!
Reader’s Digest Media
750 Third Avenue, 4th fl.
New York, N.Y. 10017